I don’t have time for gods, I have a hard enough time trying to believe in myself.

I hate when my past haunts me. These demons taunt me in my sleep.

If I could erase January 8 - May 4 from my memory I would . I mean I became close to certain people that I’m so happy to have in my life (including my boyfriend (= ) but I’ve also made more mistakes & fuck ups . Too many nights I’ve wanted to cry because of things I regret & can never take back . I’ve never felt so disgusting & used & disappointed in myself . && I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason & I try to move on but once I think about it I just want to die all over again . & I’m probably being dramatic but I can’t help how I feel . Blah, I just want to forget .. 

This year I hit rock bottom . I lost all self respect & all my morals . I stopped caring & have never been so ready to give up . But maybe that’s why I decided to pick myself up with that tiny bit of hope that maybe it really does get better . 

Some many things I’d love to forget & I just want to be remembered . 

I want a full makeover inside & out . I haven’t liked who I was in a really long time & I’m sick of feeling like this . I need to sit down & evaluate my life . I wish I could get help with this, but I guess I have to finally start doing things on my own . I asked my mom for help one day, I called her & said “mom i don’t know what I’m doing with my life” She asked if I was high -___- So with her being no help & me having no one else to trust I have to make this transformation happen alone . But I don’t know where or how to start …

Every time I see his face I’m so stunned by his beauty .. It puzzles me how something so gorgeous could claim to love me . 

I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember & I will love him for as long as I shall live . 

A part of my heart will always belong to him & will always be waiting for him . 

But I can’t just cut off everyone I worked so hard to actually gain feelings for just because he decides to want me this week .. 

As long as he apologizes, I’ll take him back . 

Because technically it’s not his fault I fell in love with him ..

& it’s not his fault that we can’t be together . 

I’m just not sure if this is worth it anymore. 

Is this really what I want ?

Is this really what I deserve ?

Saw him for the first time in almost 3 years today.

I was just starting to think I had let him go ..

Every feeling came rushing back . 

I feel like I’m back where I started . 

Sometimes it scares me that I’ll probably never hear him say he loves me again but then I think maybe it’s for the best ..

Usually I place blame on others just for the hell of it but “this time was different, felt like I was just a victim.”

I’m just a girl who gave her heart to a boy that couldn’t handle the weight of my love..

Well I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles .